1. F attachment is thy god. Thou shalt not have any other gods before it.
2. Thou shall respect thy 2nd and 3rd parts, for their parts must still be heard.
3. Thou shalt not hesitate to hit the head of the person sitting in front of you.
4. Thou shall avoid euphonists and baritonists, for they are not as badass as you.
5. Thou must play at least 4 steps higher than written dynamic. If no dynamic is given, assume that you must play FF.
6. The highest compliment that thee will ever receive is when the director tells thee to play softer.
7. Never play softer unless director say otherwise. Instead thou shall force other band members to play louder.
8. Thou shalt not hold horn up 10 degrees to play to the audience. They are unimportant. Instead face your horn up 90 degrees. The gods deserve to hear your wonder.
9. Thou shall befriend thy tuba players, for they go on great adventures.
10. Thou shall look down upon tenor and baritone saxophonists. They are wannabes.
11. Thou shalt not hesitate to gliss spontaneously.
12. For every failure, there is the fail tune. Only trombonists can do the fail tune correctly.
13. When playing jazz music, everything is FFF.
14. Trombone suicides cure cancer.
15. Feel free to date saxophonists. They are almost as unique as the trombone.
16. Thou shalt not hesitate to participate in every band, for thy instrument is very versatile.
17. Everyone is wrong, especially percussionists.
18. Thou shall crush trumpets.
19. Thou shall avoid clarinetists, for they complain too much.
20. Thou shall not dent the main slide.
21. Thou shall keep slide oiled.
22. Thou shall never drop any parts of thy trombone.
23. Thou shall not hesitate to empty thy spit on other band members’ heads.
24. When playing ballads, vibratos end world hunger.
25. Thou shall swing. Hard.
26. Thou shalt not prop thy trombone on any chair. It is a set up for disaster.
27. Thou shall learn how to play baritone. Therefore, you can beat them at their own game and be even more badass.
28. Thou shall make every statement a dirty joke. “That’s what she said” is your best friend.
29. Respect small trombonists. They have short arms-nevertheless they are playing.
30. Thou shall worship female trombonists, for they bring life to the band like they bring life to the world.
31. Percussionists are thy allies. But be careful around bass drummers. They easily get in your way.
32. Thou shalt not break thy right arm, for it is your deadliest weapon.
33. Thy right arm shall be longer than thy left arm.
34. Thy right arm shall never be slow.
35. Thy trombone goes over the left shoulder, for it is the shoulder closest to the heart.
36. Thou shall know treble, tenor, and alto clefs as well as bass clef in order to be a badder than other musicians.
37. Thou shall read alto saxophone parts whenever possible because thee can without trying.
38. Thy favorite number is 69.
39. Chapstick ends poverty.
40. Thou shall always blow as hard as you can whenever you see F or higher